Here I will guide the managers about how to suspend employees of your
organization. 50 Ways a Manager can get Employees to suspend from the
office we will discus hare.
I know some of you are list hounds, so if you'd rather skip the monologue,
scroll down to explore more about the reduction of employees.
How to suspend employees of your organization
A month ago I shared some specific ways to
get ahead at work. For me it worked, I got promoted within my IT group and
was actually bumped up 2 spots. As I mentioned in that post, I was promoted
directly by a VP (my boss' boss), which was unusual. Since then my boss was let
go basically because anarchy broke out in the group and people were quitting
daily. However, it got me thinking. What if I didn't have a VP that recognized
my efforts? When does the atmosphere at work get so backstabbing and
bureaucratic, that there is no good process to overcome it? What if a star
employee wants to grow but management doesn't know what to do or how to take
advantage of the enthusiasm and motivation?
Those are all questions that I will address over the next few weeks because they
are best answered individually. However, there are several things that mid-level
managers can do to keep employees happy and there are even more things they can
do to irritate them to the point of quitting or becoming a virus.
I polled the other guys in my group and we built a damn good list of things that
our IT manager did that led to him losing his $100K/year job. Note that I left a
few specific things out because I don't need anyone getting pinched. If you
repeat these things successfully, you too will get your team to hate you. If you
are a reporting to someone that does these things, print this and do the old
Office Space under the door routine.
- Assign enough projects with tight deadlines so that your team has no
choice but to work a 60 hour week while you only work 30 hours
- Cap overtime pay.
- Do not offer project pay.
- Constantly underestimate the time it takes to get things done and then
penalize employees' bonuses because they didn't hit the goal.
- Talk more than you listen.
- Tell the team to begin planning for tons of deployments but never obtain
the budget to actually implement any of them.
- Don't trust written time cards. Make employees email you when they get
to the office so you can see a timestamp when they get in.
- Always take sides in disputes instead of moderating.
- Avoid looking people in the eye.
- Reprimand employees in front of the entire team.
- Hire someone that is very weak to take the place of a veteran and expect
the same results from the team.
- Reprimand Mark but don't reprimand Tony when he makes the same error.
- Consistency is good. Never ask you employees if they are challenged
enough or want to take on more responsibility.
- Make promises to internal customers but have no idea on the elements
involved in getting the task done.
- You know that Tony is a slacker, but he is really cool to hang out with
so keep him around and give him good reviews.
- Suzy can take 20 minute breaks instead of 10 because she's a little
cuter than Paul.
- Give your employees 2nd tier systems to work with but expect top tier
- Never cross train anybody on anything. The skills they walked in with
are the skills they are leaving with.
- Mandate a new policy without consulting a single person that will have
to live with it.
- Give employees low raises because the more you save, the higher your
- When talking to an employee on the phone, type away at your email.
That's a great time to catch-up!
- When someone comes to you with an issue regarding another employee, use
a lot of big words to explain the situation but really take no interest or
- Create a desk cleanliness policy.
- When Suzy comes in late and leaves early, and we complain, do nothing
- Instead of offering to help hands-on, watch from a distance and provide
support over email.
- Mandate that the entire team use a single to-do list application simply
because you think it's best.
- Make your best employees train the newbies for weeks at a time but
insist that all deadlines be met.
- Never answer your cell phone.
- Never be the on-call guy to share in the team burden.
- Have a group of employees that you get a long with and go out to lunch
with while those that you don't like get left out.
- Send employees lots of chain letters, poems and other crap spam when
they are hard at work.
- Constantly give your employees vague project plans and get pissed when
the result is not what you wanted.
- Refuse to upgrade a system after the entire team asks for it and then be
sure not to give a valid reason.
- Blame everything on your boss because no one will ever call you on it.
- Make all men wear ties.
- Do not let employees expense cell phone use but require a cell phone
number for the on-call guy.
- Shut off access to Google and Ebay because it's not "required for work".
- Never let employees hangout and use the corp. network to play games
- Tell employees to do plan B because you will save $11 even though plan A
is the safer, more efficient way to go.
- I don't care what they are working on. No one should get a monitor
larger than yours
- Insist employees come to your wife's silly Barbecue.
- Give advice on topics you are only partially educated in.
- When the kudos are handed out, you should take the credit because you
managed the team. Do not give credit to anyone else.
- Monitor all phone use.
- Charge someone .25 days off for a dentist appointment.
- Lecture the team at least weekly.
- Hold team meetings to provide updates even though the updates only
pertain to one-third of team.
- Buy the team lunch and always forget that Vegan in the corner...he'll
- Make the team fill out self evaluations but provide very vague feedback
on what they type.
- Sleep with that girl Suzy on the team. No one will suspect she's getting
- Call the redhead guy on the team Rusty. Everyone will laugh and you are
sure to win their hearts.
- Make sure the cubicles are as close to each other as physically
possible. The open areas surrounding the group will be used eventually.
- Make the entire team read a book and then set aside 3 hours to discuss
it. This is sure to increase productivity.
- Let a couple people work from the house, but provide no reason for it or
ways for others to obtain the right.
- Insist that employees complete projects that even you admit are
Like I mentioned, I had more but it was too close to home. If you have any
intention of becoming a manager, don't do these things. I don't care if you are
in charge of the frozen foods at the grocery store...don't make people feel
worthless and don't undermine their abilities. If you are just starting out as a
manager there are 2 books that you should consider reading. One is Becoming a
Successful Manager and the other, which is my favorite, is The First Time